Why am I angry at God?

Imagine waking up every morning trapped in a room with four walls and no doors or windows. Imagine screaming for help and begging to be let out and no one ever comes. NO ONE EVER COMES! 

Just think about that no one ever comes….

That is what it is like inside of my mind. 

I can’t remember a day that I haven’t cried myself to sleep in the last 5 years. I can’t remember a night with out a nightmare. I can’t remember being happy. I can pretend, oh I make the best actress. My life is one movie roll after the next. I live a constant lie of happiness. Actually I don’t live, I am a walking zombie of pent up anger. Why am I angry? Who do I blame? Who am I angry at?

If I told you, you wouldn’t understand. How could I hate the most pure entity there is? How could I be such a horrible person that I would hate God?

I didn’t always feel this way. Five years ago I was a happy child/teenager. I had my life going for me. I was headed to my second year of college and I was ready to live a life of excitement. I was only 19 and naive. I didn’t know my entire life was about to be ripped to shredders, I didn’t know I was going to lose the most important person in my life.

My dearest mother was diagnosed with melanoma (skin cancer) and for a year she would suffer. She fought and she was strong and brave. She put up the best fight she could but in the end the cancer took her and for a year I watched as my mother died little by little, until the day I watched her take her last painful breath. There was nothing I could do, I couldn’t make the cancer go away but I prayed every day. I asked God not to take her away from me. I needed her and my brothers needed her. I prayed for a year, night and day as I sat by her side. I prayed every second of every day. Yet in the end not a single pray was answered. Deceit how hard the doctors worked and how many prayers were said, it didn’t even matter how hard she fought in the end she was gone. My beautiful Mother was no longer here. 

I was/am wrecked, My heart tore in two. I have never been the same. Every morning I wake up with a heavy heart and every night I cry myself to sleep. I can’t handle life, and I lost the little faith I had left. In four years, I have lost more than just my mom, I am losing my brothers. My family is falling apart. My dad has been sick to the point of dying. And I have several mental disorders. Knowing all of that bare in mind every night I still ask God to show that he is real, to tell me why he took my mom. I have asked so many questions and no ever answers. It has been a long time since I have stopped believing in you, yet I still ask for proof. None is ever given. 

Four years almost since my mom has passed, I now have melanoma cancer. I still pray, but praying is like waking up every morning trapped in a room with four walls and no doors or windows. Imagine screaming for help and begging to be let out and no one ever comes. NO ONE EVER COMES! Just think of that for a minute…NO ONE EVER COMES! 

As always I am Shipwrecked November!

And the best is yet to come. 🙂 

 

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One thought on “Why am I angry at God?

  1. My prayers go out to to you to you tonight. Praying that your heart will be healed, that you will be physically healed, and that God will preform His mighty works upon you. It may not feel like it now, but you are never alone. God loves you so very much, and He has a plan for you. Sending hugs.

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