Please don’t make me wake up tomorrow….

I don’t think a large population of people realize that waking up and living is one of the hardest things that has to be done. Some would say it is easy all you have to do is wake up and go. I on the other hand wake up and try to decide if today should be my last because every part of my being wants it to be. I want to die.

I didn’t always used to be this way, which is another frequent reminder that my life has changed. Living knowing that the people I love so much remember me as someone else, someone who was happy, who had motivation, who wasn’t angry, who would light up a room. I don’t see why I can’t be both people. A happy person stuck in a sad world or am I a sad person stuck in a happy world?

I waste so much energy blaming myself for the heart ache that I have caused my family by changing that I haven’t had a chance to understand the person that I have become. I waste energy trying to live as the person I was to try to not hurt the people I love. I waste energy waking up and forcing myself not to end my life today because I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I waste energy convincing myself that the knife in my hand isn’t the answer, when my body is telling me that it is.

I wake up everyday hoping it is my last because according to people I am broken, that the tram I went through broke my brain and taking these pills can easily fix. I have learned nothing can fix something that was torn into pieces. I have also learned that the way I feel is just a cry for “attention” and maybe there really is nothing wrong with me. I waste energy keeping my mouth shut because every time I express a feeling “it must just be another PTSD episode”. No, not every hurt feeling, angry thought, bad day is an episode. But holding in so much pain because the people around you can’t stand to hear you speak causes the emotions to transform, sadness becomes anger, anger becomes rage and eventually you have to let go. Your brain is telling you to let go of all of it and you are being told to hold it all in. I wish with all of my being I could be who I was.

I have been pretending for so long I just want the pain to stop. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I just want to die. Please Don’t Make Me Wake Up Tomorrow….

Sometimes The Best is yet to come…

 

-Shipwrecked November

Why am I angry at God?

Imagine waking up every morning trapped in a room with four walls and no doors or windows. Imagine screaming for help and begging to be let out and no one ever comes. NO ONE EVER COMES! 

Just think about that no one ever comes….

That is what it is like inside of my mind. 

I can’t remember a day that I haven’t cried myself to sleep in the last 5 years. I can’t remember a night with out a nightmare. I can’t remember being happy. I can pretend, oh I make the best actress. My life is one movie roll after the next. I live a constant lie of happiness. Actually I don’t live, I am a walking zombie of pent up anger. Why am I angry? Who do I blame? Who am I angry at?

If I told you, you wouldn’t understand. How could I hate the most pure entity there is? How could I be such a horrible person that I would hate God?

I didn’t always feel this way. Five years ago I was a happy child/teenager. I had my life going for me. I was headed to my second year of college and I was ready to live a life of excitement. I was only 19 and naive. I didn’t know my entire life was about to be ripped to shredders, I didn’t know I was going to lose the most important person in my life.

My dearest mother was diagnosed with melanoma (skin cancer) and for a year she would suffer. She fought and she was strong and brave. She put up the best fight she could but in the end the cancer took her and for a year I watched as my mother died little by little, until the day I watched her take her last painful breath. There was nothing I could do, I couldn’t make the cancer go away but I prayed every day. I asked God not to take her away from me. I needed her and my brothers needed her. I prayed for a year, night and day as I sat by her side. I prayed every second of every day. Yet in the end not a single pray was answered. Deceit how hard the doctors worked and how many prayers were said, it didn’t even matter how hard she fought in the end she was gone. My beautiful Mother was no longer here. 

I was/am wrecked, My heart tore in two. I have never been the same. Every morning I wake up with a heavy heart and every night I cry myself to sleep. I can’t handle life, and I lost the little faith I had left. In four years, I have lost more than just my mom, I am losing my brothers. My family is falling apart. My dad has been sick to the point of dying. And I have several mental disorders. Knowing all of that bare in mind every night I still ask God to show that he is real, to tell me why he took my mom. I have asked so many questions and no ever answers. It has been a long time since I have stopped believing in you, yet I still ask for proof. None is ever given. 

Four years almost since my mom has passed, I now have melanoma cancer. I still pray, but praying is like waking up every morning trapped in a room with four walls and no doors or windows. Imagine screaming for help and begging to be let out and no one ever comes. NO ONE EVER COMES! Just think of that for a minute…NO ONE EVER COMES! 

As always I am Shipwrecked November!

And the best is yet to come. 🙂 

 

Lonely Much?…*sigh*…YES! (please read all the way through)

I have been feeling so lonely lately. Yet, I am surrounded by people. People are every where. So why am I feeling this way? I am sure there is a medical term for this feeling such as; Depression? It may surprise you that I do have that and a couple of there disorders: PTSD, Anxiety (anxiety attacks), Panic attacks, Insomnia, Asthma, PCOS. I am thinking to my self right now and Man I have a lot of crap wrong with me! No wonder I feel so alone!

It’s no secret I have some issues. I don’t hide it. I just don’t talk about it. I feel like if i go around talking and telling people they will look at me differently, but if you ask me about it I will not lie! I have been through a lot of things in a short period of time and my body went into shock and when I finally came back to reality I was left with a very unappealing list of disorders. 

When I set up at night and my mind wonders to the far spaces of the galaxy I begin to realize some parts of me are still in shock. I lost pieces of my mind, body and soul that I don’t think I will ever get back. I search for the person I once was. The past has swallowed her alive. She died three almost four years ago and the girl stuck in this body is a complete stranger. I don’t recognize you any more. I want the real me back not this impostor. I used to be happy. I used to believe in fairy tales and happy endings. I used to be this person that everyone depended on and I loved it. I loved running around and going here and there and doing this and that. Now you have to beg me to come visit. Some days it’s an emotional fight with my self to get out of bed. I am trying so hard to be who I once was, the girl my parents were proud of. The girl everyone wanted to be. The girl that would rather die than see someone else in pain.

I wish people understood me! I wish I had that person I could talk too! I wish I could rewind time and change the past and make what happened turn out differently! I wish I was living and not a zombie in my own body! I wish I could take away my family’s pain. I wish I wasn’t so alone!

It’s amazing how one moment in your life changes who you are inside. Every waking day feels like a chore. I cry when no one is around. I pretend I am okay, although it is becoming harder and harder to pretend. My veil is becoming so old it is crumbling and soon the people in my life will see how miserable I have been. I am not ready for this. I am not ready for them to know. What if they can’t handle it? What if I can’t handle it? I am scared that they will treat me differently. I am scared they will hate me. I know they want the person I was back and I don’t know where she is. I keep hoping one day I will wake up and there I will be and it would be the most happiest of days. I would never have to worry about these feelings again and then I could bury this person away for ever and keep her under lock and key and she could never escape the cold dark place she belongs.

It is so lonely in my head! My thoughts hurt! My body hurts and I am so tired! I try to convince myself to tell the world how I feel and I would be so alone If I open up and talk. I want to walk in a room and not constantly through the night tell myself, “Don’t cry! Smile! Keep Smiling! Don’t stop! An hour down only two to go!” Help I don’t want to be alone anymore! Can anyone out there hear me? I suppose not… I am Shipwrecked November and I suffer from PTSD and Clinical Depression!

Hey readers! If you feel or have ever felt this way or are/have suffered from Depression, PTSD, Anxiety or any other similar disorder PLEASE contact me if you ever need advice or someone to talk to about what is going on in your head or life at the time, I know it can be hard opening up to the people closest to you. I won’t judge you, or telling what you are feeling is wrong. I will listen and be there when you need me, even if you just want to sit in silence. I want you to feel comfortable contacting me! I will email you, facebook you or do whatever you feel the most comfortable with. 

If you are having thoughts about hurting yourself please don’t! You are important and beautiful! I have been there and the end result is never going to relieve the pain, it only makes more painful memories. Remember problems are not stop signs, They are yield signs telling you to breath, regroup and continue when you are ready. You must burn the pain and use it as fuel for your journey! 

 “As we strive to make it through difficult times, hearing the wisdom of those who have struggled, questioned and dreamed before us can make the journey easier.  When you feel the struggle is wearing you down, I’ll be here to listen”  

Fall. Seven. Times. And. Stand. Up. Eight. 

Because The Best Is Yet To Come!

-Shipwrecked November