Loser Face

That is what I will call him. He kind of crept in to my heart and I don’t know what too do. I swore up and down, time and time again that I in no way was interested in him. It was true, I wasn’t at all what I thought about until now. He has been through some tough times with life and relationships and I know how hard he has worked to change his life around. But knowing his history makes it hard to know where to go from here. He is one of those people that go from relationship to relationship without time in between and I don’t want to be just another person on his list. So trusty readers out there in cyber space, what is your advice???

The best is yet to come!!!!

~Shipwrecked November

But I Love you….

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Have you even heard a word I have said?

You are worthless, why do you even exist?

Why are you crying?

Awe, did I hurt your stupid feelings?

Why don’t you run along and slit your wrist?

Stop crying, do you want me to give you something to really cry about?

I’m sorry

Please don’t leave

I didn’t mean what I said

I promise I won’t do it again

I would never actually hurt you

But,

I love you….

 

(The best is yet to come)

~Shipwrecked November

Justin Hartley to Tom Welling and more….

tv-shows-collage-2I don’t know about the rest of you but for me Justin Hartley and Tom Welling were my ideals around my preteen years. For many reasons their charters they played on Smallville were charming, smart, strong, willing to do anything for the ones they loved, plus wouldn’t being a superhero just be awesome!

Being a girl, not just any girl: an over weight unattractive one, growing up was extremely hard for me. I got made fun of and tormented daily and I still do to this day. I would tell myself one day maybe I would be someone that my ideals would actually want to be seen in public with me. (Not that I was ever going to meet them, it was something to keep me going through out the day.)

Then I found shows like Batman, Charmed, Gilmore Girls, Supernatural, Haven, Flash, Arrow and so many more, not only shows but so many lovely books too. The life of these characters become some what of a safe haven for me, these beautiful people with these beautiful stories. I would have given anything to trade places with those characters because I dislike who I am that much.

I was recently reminded this week that I have never had a boy friend, that I am too fat to be seen in public with, that no one wants me in their life. It hit me really hard because I am 27 and all of what they are saying is true. I am fat because I have a condition making it extremely hard to lose weight, almost impossible. (I don’t know why I feel the need to defend my self on that.)

So then I found this show called This is us and at first I didn’t know what to think of it. Some of it hurt my feelings, other parts made me happy and then I came to this realization that I am basically living the life of Kate on the show. I have a skinny family, my brothers all being attractive and living these amazing lives and I have been stuck in the shadows for years. Yes, the reason for Kate being over weight and I being over weight are different stories but the feelings are all the same. I just want some one to look past the out side and see what I really have to offer which may not seem like a whole lot but with the life I have lived, the one thing I know about my self is I have so much love to give and I will spend the rest of my life showing my family, friends and anyone else the comes along that they are worth love and kindness. The love and kindness that was never shown to me.

I haven’t had the easiest life between abuse, to giving up everything to help my family, to my mother dying in my arms, ptsd, and living with everything that has come my way being over weight is diffidently the worst thing to ever happen to me. I will just have to continue to live in side these beautiful stories of beautiful people that would never give me the time of day. Maybe one day I will be a part of a beautiful story but for now I will be standing in the shadows.

The Best Is Yet To Come

~Shipwrecked November

 

 

 

Please don’t make me wake up tomorrow….

I don’t think a large population of people realize that waking up and living is one of the hardest things that has to be done. Some would say it is easy all you have to do is wake up and go. I on the other hand wake up and try to decide if today should be my last because every part of my being wants it to be. I want to die.

I didn’t always used to be this way, which is another frequent reminder that my life has changed. Living knowing that the people I love so much remember me as someone else, someone who was happy, who had motivation, who wasn’t angry, who would light up a room. I don’t see why I can’t be both people. A happy person stuck in a sad world or am I a sad person stuck in a happy world?

I waste so much energy blaming myself for the heart ache that I have caused my family by changing that I haven’t had a chance to understand the person that I have become. I waste energy trying to live as the person I was to try to not hurt the people I love. I waste energy waking up and forcing myself not to end my life today because I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I waste energy convincing myself that the knife in my hand isn’t the answer, when my body is telling me that it is.

I wake up everyday hoping it is my last because according to people I am broken, that the tram I went through broke my brain and taking these pills can easily fix. I have learned nothing can fix something that was torn into pieces. I have also learned that the way I feel is just a cry for “attention” and maybe there really is nothing wrong with me. I waste energy keeping my mouth shut because every time I express a feeling “it must just be another PTSD episode”. No, not every hurt feeling, angry thought, bad day is an episode. But holding in so much pain because the people around you can’t stand to hear you speak causes the emotions to transform, sadness becomes anger, anger becomes rage and eventually you have to let go. Your brain is telling you to let go of all of it and you are being told to hold it all in. I wish with all of my being I could be who I was.

I have been pretending for so long I just want the pain to stop. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I just want to die. Please Don’t Make Me Wake Up Tomorrow….

Sometimes The Best is yet to come…

 

-Shipwrecked November

I hate…

I hate how I am completely invisible to the people around me. Just now I am sitting in the living room studying for classes books spread everywhere and someone comes in and turns the light off on me.
I hate how when I try to save people money and get mad for me not letting them and a couple minutes later I am told I cost to much money and don’t deserve anything.
I hate how I am told I don’t work hard when all I do is take care of people.
I hate the fact what I want doesn’t matter.
I hate that my mental health issues are made up to you even though a doctor treats me for it.
I hate how I don’t matter.
I hate that you make me feel stupid for having an opinion.
I hate how I am ALWAYS wrong.
I hate when I have to spend my day doing exactly what you want even though you know I have more important things going on.
I hate that I care about all of this as much as I do.
I hate how I feel obligated to ask how you are and if you need anything but you have never asked me.
I hate being used, abused and walked all over.
I hate that I always feel like I am walking on eggshells in a place I should feel at home.
I hate how I don’t live up to expectations and I am considered the “family” failure.
I hate that I feel bad for my feelings.
I hate how completely alone in this world i feel.
Most of all I hate that i have mental health issues and feeling like a bad person for it.

Hey Readers,
This week has been an emotional roller coaster and this post isn’t directed towards one person but having a mental health issue (depression, ptsd, anxiety, panic attacks) I find I am always being treated differently and getting things like this off my chest without upsetting the people I live with is extremely hard because they say I am mean for having feelings. So if you are reading this please keep in mind this is my emotional escape for a harsh reality that I live. If you are in the same situation or advice please feel free to contact me. This week is almost over and i hope everyone out there will finally get some breathing room. So…Hopefully tomorrow…The Best Is Yet To Come. #AlwaysKeepFighting
-Shipwrecked November

Lonely Much?…*sigh*…YES! (please read all the way through)

I have been feeling so lonely lately. Yet, I am surrounded by people. People are every where. So why am I feeling this way? I am sure there is a medical term for this feeling such as; Depression? It may surprise you that I do have that and a couple of there disorders: PTSD, Anxiety (anxiety attacks), Panic attacks, Insomnia, Asthma, PCOS. I am thinking to my self right now and Man I have a lot of crap wrong with me! No wonder I feel so alone!

It’s no secret I have some issues. I don’t hide it. I just don’t talk about it. I feel like if i go around talking and telling people they will look at me differently, but if you ask me about it I will not lie! I have been through a lot of things in a short period of time and my body went into shock and when I finally came back to reality I was left with a very unappealing list of disorders. 

When I set up at night and my mind wonders to the far spaces of the galaxy I begin to realize some parts of me are still in shock. I lost pieces of my mind, body and soul that I don’t think I will ever get back. I search for the person I once was. The past has swallowed her alive. She died three almost four years ago and the girl stuck in this body is a complete stranger. I don’t recognize you any more. I want the real me back not this impostor. I used to be happy. I used to believe in fairy tales and happy endings. I used to be this person that everyone depended on and I loved it. I loved running around and going here and there and doing this and that. Now you have to beg me to come visit. Some days it’s an emotional fight with my self to get out of bed. I am trying so hard to be who I once was, the girl my parents were proud of. The girl everyone wanted to be. The girl that would rather die than see someone else in pain.

I wish people understood me! I wish I had that person I could talk too! I wish I could rewind time and change the past and make what happened turn out differently! I wish I was living and not a zombie in my own body! I wish I could take away my family’s pain. I wish I wasn’t so alone!

It’s amazing how one moment in your life changes who you are inside. Every waking day feels like a chore. I cry when no one is around. I pretend I am okay, although it is becoming harder and harder to pretend. My veil is becoming so old it is crumbling and soon the people in my life will see how miserable I have been. I am not ready for this. I am not ready for them to know. What if they can’t handle it? What if I can’t handle it? I am scared that they will treat me differently. I am scared they will hate me. I know they want the person I was back and I don’t know where she is. I keep hoping one day I will wake up and there I will be and it would be the most happiest of days. I would never have to worry about these feelings again and then I could bury this person away for ever and keep her under lock and key and she could never escape the cold dark place she belongs.

It is so lonely in my head! My thoughts hurt! My body hurts and I am so tired! I try to convince myself to tell the world how I feel and I would be so alone If I open up and talk. I want to walk in a room and not constantly through the night tell myself, “Don’t cry! Smile! Keep Smiling! Don’t stop! An hour down only two to go!” Help I don’t want to be alone anymore! Can anyone out there hear me? I suppose not… I am Shipwrecked November and I suffer from PTSD and Clinical Depression!

Hey readers! If you feel or have ever felt this way or are/have suffered from Depression, PTSD, Anxiety or any other similar disorder PLEASE contact me if you ever need advice or someone to talk to about what is going on in your head or life at the time, I know it can be hard opening up to the people closest to you. I won’t judge you, or telling what you are feeling is wrong. I will listen and be there when you need me, even if you just want to sit in silence. I want you to feel comfortable contacting me! I will email you, facebook you or do whatever you feel the most comfortable with. 

If you are having thoughts about hurting yourself please don’t! You are important and beautiful! I have been there and the end result is never going to relieve the pain, it only makes more painful memories. Remember problems are not stop signs, They are yield signs telling you to breath, regroup and continue when you are ready. You must burn the pain and use it as fuel for your journey! 

 “As we strive to make it through difficult times, hearing the wisdom of those who have struggled, questioned and dreamed before us can make the journey easier.  When you feel the struggle is wearing you down, I’ll be here to listen”  

Fall. Seven. Times. And. Stand. Up. Eight. 

Because The Best Is Yet To Come!

-Shipwrecked November