This is the worst….

I don’t know how many times I find my self saying, “This is the worst; day, week, month, year of my life. Right now could not get any worse.” You want to know something? I am always wrong. Today, I realized that one of the people I care most about in the world doesn’t even care about me anymore, they have found someone to replace me. I have superglue on my fingers that I can’t get off. I choked on a lady bug that some how got in my inhaler. I got woken up by my brother because I was crying in my sleep again. I work overnight shifts, so I never really have any genuine human connection with my family. I threw a tantrum to see if anyone noticed and no one did. Then a gift that was given to me is being taken away because the person that got it for me wants to take it back and get something better…for them selves… This is just one day. One day of my small insignificant existents. Every day is worse than the next, until it’s not and then life is good, until it’s not, and over and over and over.  Then you cry until you are so numb inside that the pain fades to nothingness and you are a shell of the person people tell you, you once were.

I value the love I have for the people in my life, I just don’t value my life enough anymore to care what happens to it. One day I may save my self but for now the best is yet to come…

~Shipwrecked November

Advertisements

Lonely Much?…*sigh*…YES! (please read all the way through)

I have been feeling so lonely lately. Yet, I am surrounded by people. People are every where. So why am I feeling this way? I am sure there is a medical term for this feeling such as; Depression? It may surprise you that I do have that and a couple of there disorders: PTSD, Anxiety (anxiety attacks), Panic attacks, Insomnia, Asthma, PCOS. I am thinking to my self right now and Man I have a lot of crap wrong with me! No wonder I feel so alone!

It’s no secret I have some issues. I don’t hide it. I just don’t talk about it. I feel like if i go around talking and telling people they will look at me differently, but if you ask me about it I will not lie! I have been through a lot of things in a short period of time and my body went into shock and when I finally came back to reality I was left with a very unappealing list of disorders. 

When I set up at night and my mind wonders to the far spaces of the galaxy I begin to realize some parts of me are still in shock. I lost pieces of my mind, body and soul that I don’t think I will ever get back. I search for the person I once was. The past has swallowed her alive. She died three almost four years ago and the girl stuck in this body is a complete stranger. I don’t recognize you any more. I want the real me back not this impostor. I used to be happy. I used to believe in fairy tales and happy endings. I used to be this person that everyone depended on and I loved it. I loved running around and going here and there and doing this and that. Now you have to beg me to come visit. Some days it’s an emotional fight with my self to get out of bed. I am trying so hard to be who I once was, the girl my parents were proud of. The girl everyone wanted to be. The girl that would rather die than see someone else in pain.

I wish people understood me! I wish I had that person I could talk too! I wish I could rewind time and change the past and make what happened turn out differently! I wish I was living and not a zombie in my own body! I wish I could take away my family’s pain. I wish I wasn’t so alone!

It’s amazing how one moment in your life changes who you are inside. Every waking day feels like a chore. I cry when no one is around. I pretend I am okay, although it is becoming harder and harder to pretend. My veil is becoming so old it is crumbling and soon the people in my life will see how miserable I have been. I am not ready for this. I am not ready for them to know. What if they can’t handle it? What if I can’t handle it? I am scared that they will treat me differently. I am scared they will hate me. I know they want the person I was back and I don’t know where she is. I keep hoping one day I will wake up and there I will be and it would be the most happiest of days. I would never have to worry about these feelings again and then I could bury this person away for ever and keep her under lock and key and she could never escape the cold dark place she belongs.

It is so lonely in my head! My thoughts hurt! My body hurts and I am so tired! I try to convince myself to tell the world how I feel and I would be so alone If I open up and talk. I want to walk in a room and not constantly through the night tell myself, “Don’t cry! Smile! Keep Smiling! Don’t stop! An hour down only two to go!” Help I don’t want to be alone anymore! Can anyone out there hear me? I suppose not… I am Shipwrecked November and I suffer from PTSD and Clinical Depression!

Hey readers! If you feel or have ever felt this way or are/have suffered from Depression, PTSD, Anxiety or any other similar disorder PLEASE contact me if you ever need advice or someone to talk to about what is going on in your head or life at the time, I know it can be hard opening up to the people closest to you. I won’t judge you, or telling what you are feeling is wrong. I will listen and be there when you need me, even if you just want to sit in silence. I want you to feel comfortable contacting me! I will email you, facebook you or do whatever you feel the most comfortable with. 

If you are having thoughts about hurting yourself please don’t! You are important and beautiful! I have been there and the end result is never going to relieve the pain, it only makes more painful memories. Remember problems are not stop signs, They are yield signs telling you to breath, regroup and continue when you are ready. You must burn the pain and use it as fuel for your journey! 

 “As we strive to make it through difficult times, hearing the wisdom of those who have struggled, questioned and dreamed before us can make the journey easier.  When you feel the struggle is wearing you down, I’ll be here to listen”  

Fall. Seven. Times. And. Stand. Up. Eight. 

Because The Best Is Yet To Come!

-Shipwrecked November