Loser Face

That is what I will call him. He kind of crept in to my heart and I don’t know what too do. I swore up and down, time and time again that I in no way was interested in him. It was true, I wasn’t at all what I thought about until now. He has been through some tough times with life and relationships and I know how hard he has worked to change his life around. But knowing his history makes it hard to know where to go from here. He is one of those people that go from relationship to relationship without time in between and I don’t want to be just another person on his list. So trusty readers out there in cyber space, what is your advice???

The best is yet to come!!!!

~Shipwrecked November

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Work, work, work…

Things that bother me at work.

  1. Are you working hard or hardly working? Well duh I am working, do you think I want to lose my minimum wage job? (Yes, probably) I get asked that at least 5 times a night.
  2. Wow, you are always here! Yes that would make sense because I work here.
  3. To you know the price of this? Probably but I am to lazy to scan it because you are just going to put it back because the price is too high.
  4. Do I swipe or insert the chip? Swipe! There is a sigh right in front of the credit card machine that says please swipe card! Not that hard people.
  5. Well, I talked to your manager and they said you have to let me do this. Umm, excuse me. People the sign says I am in charge and I say no! Plus if I didn’t hear it straight from the manager it did not happen.
  6. I don’t care about your dog, cat, or daughter you haven’t seen in five years, I have a line of people. Please take your bags and go see a therapist.
  7. I am not your; baby, sweety pie, sweet heart, babe, pumpkin, darling, hot stuff, cutie. Please use the name on my name tag.
  8. Throwing money at me or at the counter will make me less inclined to be nice.
  9. Walking in to the store and yelling at me what you want before you have made it to the counter. Trust me I am not moving to get anything until you are standing in front of me.
  10. Yes I hate my job. I work 8 to 12 hours with no breaks, overnights, with almost no off days making $7.50 an hour but I will do my job with a smie on my face, even when I really want to walk out.
  11. The people I work with are just as bad as customers, its like being back in high school just worse!

    I am sure I could think of a thousand more things… I need a different job that is for sure! Hopefully the best is still to come.

    -Shipwrecked November

    This is the worst….

    I don’t know how many times I find my self saying, “This is the worst; day, week, month, year of my life. Right now could not get any worse.” You want to know something? I am always wrong. Today, I realized that one of the people I care most about in the world doesn’t even care about me anymore, they have found someone to replace me. I have superglue on my fingers that I can’t get off. I choked on a lady bug that some how got in my inhaler. I got woken up by my brother because I was crying in my sleep again. I work overnight shifts, so I never really have any genuine human connection with my family. I threw a tantrum to see if anyone noticed and no one did. Then a gift that was given to me is being taken away because the person that got it for me wants to take it back and get something better…for them selves… This is just one day. One day of my small insignificant existents. Every day is worse than the next, until it’s not and then life is good, until it’s not, and over and over and over.  Then you cry until you are so numb inside that the pain fades to nothingness and you are a shell of the person people tell you, you once were.

    I value the love I have for the people in my life, I just don’t value my life enough anymore to care what happens to it. One day I may save my self but for now the best is yet to come…

    ~Shipwrecked November

    But I Love you….

    Hello?

    Can you hear me?

    Have you even heard a word I have said?

    You are worthless, why do you even exist?

    Why are you crying?

    Awe, did I hurt your stupid feelings?

    Why don’t you run along and slit your wrist?

    Stop crying, do you want me to give you something to really cry about?

    I’m sorry

    Please don’t leave

    I didn’t mean what I said

    I promise I won’t do it again

    I would never actually hurt you

    But,

    I love you….

     

    (The best is yet to come)

    ~Shipwrecked November

    Justin Hartley to Tom Welling and more….

    tv-shows-collage-2I don’t know about the rest of you but for me Justin Hartley and Tom Welling were my ideals around my preteen years. For many reasons their charters they played on Smallville were charming, smart, strong, willing to do anything for the ones they loved, plus wouldn’t being a superhero just be awesome!

    Being a girl, not just any girl: an over weight unattractive one, growing up was extremely hard for me. I got made fun of and tormented daily and I still do to this day. I would tell myself one day maybe I would be someone that my ideals would actually want to be seen in public with me. (Not that I was ever going to meet them, it was something to keep me going through out the day.)

    Then I found shows like Batman, Charmed, Gilmore Girls, Supernatural, Haven, Flash, Arrow and so many more, not only shows but so many lovely books too. The life of these characters become some what of a safe haven for me, these beautiful people with these beautiful stories. I would have given anything to trade places with those characters because I dislike who I am that much.

    I was recently reminded this week that I have never had a boy friend, that I am too fat to be seen in public with, that no one wants me in their life. It hit me really hard because I am 27 and all of what they are saying is true. I am fat because I have a condition making it extremely hard to lose weight, almost impossible. (I don’t know why I feel the need to defend my self on that.)

    So then I found this show called This is us and at first I didn’t know what to think of it. Some of it hurt my feelings, other parts made me happy and then I came to this realization that I am basically living the life of Kate on the show. I have a skinny family, my brothers all being attractive and living these amazing lives and I have been stuck in the shadows for years. Yes, the reason for Kate being over weight and I being over weight are different stories but the feelings are all the same. I just want some one to look past the out side and see what I really have to offer which may not seem like a whole lot but with the life I have lived, the one thing I know about my self is I have so much love to give and I will spend the rest of my life showing my family, friends and anyone else the comes along that they are worth love and kindness. The love and kindness that was never shown to me.

    I haven’t had the easiest life between abuse, to giving up everything to help my family, to my mother dying in my arms, ptsd, and living with everything that has come my way being over weight is diffidently the worst thing to ever happen to me. I will just have to continue to live in side these beautiful stories of beautiful people that would never give me the time of day. Maybe one day I will be a part of a beautiful story but for now I will be standing in the shadows.

    The Best Is Yet To Come

    ~Shipwrecked November

     

     

     

    I have failed myself.

    When you start believing what others say about yourself it is really hard to turn your life around. For the longest time now I have listened to people close to me tell me who I am and where I am going in my life. They said things such as; you are a failure, you are wasting your life away, you haven’t done anything to be proud of, you are getting older and have nothing to show for it, you have never been in a relationship so we gave up on you ever having kids or a life. The list goes on. I have let these hateful things sink in to the deepest parts of my mind and take hold. What they said haunted me for month after month, I became lost. I couldn’t remember who I was, WHO I AM.

    I let words ruin myself esteem. I let words bring me down. I let words control my life. I gave up on writing the blog I enjoyed so much because I didn’t want to lie and end another post with “the best is yet to come.” I let these people tear away the best parts of me and all that was left of me was an empty shell. I was stuck in this never ending rerun of hateful words and thoughts, I honestly believed that I was those hateful words. But I AM NOT!

    I am creative, hardworking, loving, strong, helpful, trusting and by all means I AM ME!!!!

    I realize no matter what these people say about me, they are wrong. If this is truly what they believe me to be than they don’t really know who I am, and you know what, that is okay. I don’t mind if they have forgotten they real me, who I am beneath all of my failures and mistakes. I can only hope that they remember who they are and they are better then harsh words. I will not stand by any longer and be a stepping stone for them to walk all over and I will certainly not give up the best parts of me and trade them in for the worst parts of them. I will keep pushing towards the goals that I set for myself and make something out of the nothing that was handed to me. I will not fail myself again.

    If anyone is out there reading this and you have been in a similar situation, I would like to give you some advice if you would be so kind to let me.

    1) You are amazing

    2) Even if they say your life goals are unrealistic, someone out there right now was told the same thing and doing what they love, guess what so can you. Your goals are right there reach out and take hold.

    3) You won’t be able to make everyone happy no matter how hard you try, so just work on making yourself happy

    4) You are beautiful in every single way, and I truly mean that

    5) Don’t give up

    6) Sometimes you have to turn off your ears and listen to your heart

    7) You will make it, you have to keep trying

    8) There will be a time you want to give up….Don’t

    9) Don’t ever let anyone tell you who you are, don’t fail yourself. The world needs a beautiful mind like yours.

    10) As I always say THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

    Thank you for reading!!! Keep a look out for new up and coming post from me! You guys are fantastic!

    -Shipwrecked November

    Do you ever just wake up and think…

    Do you ever just wake up and think this thing we call life seems a little pointless?
    I suppose it is one of those mornings that I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and contemplating things like life’s meaning is a bad idea. I want more than this every day wake up, brush teeth, eat breakfast, go to work, spend 5 to 10 hours working my butt of with nothing to show in the end, go home, eat dinner, go to bed and wake up the next day and do it all over again. I want more from life! I want to travel and my home be where ever I lay my head that night. I want to meet people and change lives. I want to save a world that seems to be falling to pieces as we speak. I want more.

    I know how selfish I sound but some days you just have to take a step back and look at the world in a whole new light. I am so tired of normal. Normal is boring, normal is slowly become a whole that I may not be able to climb my self out of. I wish life was a movie! The excitement of a chase scene! I want an adventure! A thrill! Why can’t life be more than just a routine of boring have too’s? Why not want too’s?

    Life is an impossible set back to over come. People say living is the best thing you will ever do, some days I think it is the most pointless thing I will ever do.

    So, I have realized barley any sleep and waking up on the wrong side of the bed create a depressing post. Woo, ain’t I just full of joy today.
    If you woke up on the wrong side of the bed today comment with your complaints about your life or what ails you!

    Well as always readers I am Shipwrecked November
    And the best is yet to come 🙂

    -Shipwrecked November

    Lonely Much?…*sigh*…YES! (please read all the way through)

    I have been feeling so lonely lately. Yet, I am surrounded by people. People are every where. So why am I feeling this way? I am sure there is a medical term for this feeling such as; Depression? It may surprise you that I do have that and a couple of there disorders: PTSD, Anxiety (anxiety attacks), Panic attacks, Insomnia, Asthma, PCOS. I am thinking to my self right now and Man I have a lot of crap wrong with me! No wonder I feel so alone!

    It’s no secret I have some issues. I don’t hide it. I just don’t talk about it. I feel like if i go around talking and telling people they will look at me differently, but if you ask me about it I will not lie! I have been through a lot of things in a short period of time and my body went into shock and when I finally came back to reality I was left with a very unappealing list of disorders. 

    When I set up at night and my mind wonders to the far spaces of the galaxy I begin to realize some parts of me are still in shock. I lost pieces of my mind, body and soul that I don’t think I will ever get back. I search for the person I once was. The past has swallowed her alive. She died three almost four years ago and the girl stuck in this body is a complete stranger. I don’t recognize you any more. I want the real me back not this impostor. I used to be happy. I used to believe in fairy tales and happy endings. I used to be this person that everyone depended on and I loved it. I loved running around and going here and there and doing this and that. Now you have to beg me to come visit. Some days it’s an emotional fight with my self to get out of bed. I am trying so hard to be who I once was, the girl my parents were proud of. The girl everyone wanted to be. The girl that would rather die than see someone else in pain.

    I wish people understood me! I wish I had that person I could talk too! I wish I could rewind time and change the past and make what happened turn out differently! I wish I was living and not a zombie in my own body! I wish I could take away my family’s pain. I wish I wasn’t so alone!

    It’s amazing how one moment in your life changes who you are inside. Every waking day feels like a chore. I cry when no one is around. I pretend I am okay, although it is becoming harder and harder to pretend. My veil is becoming so old it is crumbling and soon the people in my life will see how miserable I have been. I am not ready for this. I am not ready for them to know. What if they can’t handle it? What if I can’t handle it? I am scared that they will treat me differently. I am scared they will hate me. I know they want the person I was back and I don’t know where she is. I keep hoping one day I will wake up and there I will be and it would be the most happiest of days. I would never have to worry about these feelings again and then I could bury this person away for ever and keep her under lock and key and she could never escape the cold dark place she belongs.

    It is so lonely in my head! My thoughts hurt! My body hurts and I am so tired! I try to convince myself to tell the world how I feel and I would be so alone If I open up and talk. I want to walk in a room and not constantly through the night tell myself, “Don’t cry! Smile! Keep Smiling! Don’t stop! An hour down only two to go!” Help I don’t want to be alone anymore! Can anyone out there hear me? I suppose not… I am Shipwrecked November and I suffer from PTSD and Clinical Depression!

    Hey readers! If you feel or have ever felt this way or are/have suffered from Depression, PTSD, Anxiety or any other similar disorder PLEASE contact me if you ever need advice or someone to talk to about what is going on in your head or life at the time, I know it can be hard opening up to the people closest to you. I won’t judge you, or telling what you are feeling is wrong. I will listen and be there when you need me, even if you just want to sit in silence. I want you to feel comfortable contacting me! I will email you, facebook you or do whatever you feel the most comfortable with. 

    If you are having thoughts about hurting yourself please don’t! You are important and beautiful! I have been there and the end result is never going to relieve the pain, it only makes more painful memories. Remember problems are not stop signs, They are yield signs telling you to breath, regroup and continue when you are ready. You must burn the pain and use it as fuel for your journey! 

     “As we strive to make it through difficult times, hearing the wisdom of those who have struggled, questioned and dreamed before us can make the journey easier.  When you feel the struggle is wearing you down, I’ll be here to listen”  

    Fall. Seven. Times. And. Stand. Up. Eight. 

    Because The Best Is Yet To Come!

    -Shipwrecked November 

    Cold Showers….

    Apparently cold showers aren’t for relieving sexually tension anymore…haha. Okay, seriously, I have been reading about how cold showers can have some really healthy benefits. Personally I hate cold showers, I am more of a more hot the more better kind of person. But here are some of the good things that a cold shower can help.

     

     

    1. Strengthens Immunity

    Cold showers are sometimes touted as a preventative tonic for colds, flu, and infections. An experiment in Prague studied the effect of cold water immersions on athletic young men. They immersed themselves in water at 14°C (57°F), three times a week for six weeks. Among many changes, they saw increased levels of two types of white blood cells: monocytes and lymphocytes. While certain lymphocytes are instrumental in eliminating bacteria, viruses, and toxins; monocytes are indirectly responsible for the engulfing and consuming of pathogens and foreign materials. Researchers believe that the increased metabolic rate, which results from the body’s attempt to warm itself up, activates the immune system and releases more white blood cells in response. Therefore, it is reasonable to assume that people who take regular cold showers are less likely to develop colds, flu’s, and even some forms of cancer.

    2. Improves Blood Circulation

    Good blood circulation is vital for overall cardiovascular health. Alternating between hot and cold water while showering, is an easy way to improve circulation. When exposed to cold water, our arteries and veins constrict or tighten. This process is called “vasoconstriction”. The tightening helps blood to flow at a higher pressure as now there is less space for the blood to flow, meaning circulation will improve. “Vasodilation”, the opposite effect, and is done when we are exposed to heat. The natural tendency of the body when it is exposed to cold is that your blood rapidly circulates to your vital organs to keep them warm, hence increasing your overall blood circulation. Why should you be conscious of having good circulation? Well, it prevents such problems as hypertension, hardening of the arteries, and the appearance of varicose veins. Good circulation improves the performance of your system and thus help looking and feeling better.

    3. Regulates Temperature

    Cold showers provide a gentle form of stress that leads to thermogenesis (internal generation of body heat), which in turn activates the body’s adaptive repair systems. If you suffer from chronically cold hands and feet, or feel that you sweat an abnormal amount, try a cold shower.

    4. Promotes Weight Loss / Increases Metabolism

    Brown fat, as opposed to white fat is heavily involved in burning energy. Exposure to cold naturally stimulates the production of these brown fats. These cells burn glucose to try and produce as much heat energy as possible. Having a higher amount of brown fat leads to more energy being burned per second and therefore, more weight is lost. As a result of the increased brown fat levels, and the increased blood pressure and body temperature, chemical reactions in the body will happen faster than they would have without regular cold showers. An increased metabolism is what a lot of people seek for because it means that any process in the body will become more efficient; meaning more weight loss will be seen and more growth/repair of muscles and otherwise will be seen.

    5. Alleviates Depression

    Depression is yet another thing that cold showers can help and prevent. Research at the Department of Radiation Oncology at Virginia Commonwealth University indicates that cold water has a stimulating effect on the brains “blue spot”, the main source of noradrenaline for our bodies. Noradrenaline is a chemical that might be used to help alleviate depression.

    6. Improves Lymphatic Movement

    The lymphatic system is a system of tubing separate from our blood vessels that is responsible for carrying away waste from your cells as well as help fight pathogens (disease). Unlike blood vessels, the lymphatic system does not have blood, it has lymph, which carries away waste products and white blood cells which handle infection. Also different from blood vessels is that the heart does not pump lymph around the body like it does the blood. The lymph relies on the contraction of muscles. This contraction squeezes the lymph up to the thoracic duct so that the lymph can mix with the blood and then be dealt with by organs. Cold showers cause whole-body contraction and this works excellently with the lymph system, squeezing the fluid up through the body. If the lymphatic system is compromised and not efficient, then the fluid pools at faraway places (usually the feet). This results in what is known as lymphedema (a type of edema).

    7. Deepens Breathing

    What you will notice as an effect of cold showers is that you begin inhaling very deeply. This is to try and combat the stress of the shock, the vasoconstriction and the overall need for oxygen to respire and keep oneself warm. This process opens up the lungs much like strenuous physical exercise does and results in a higher average intake of oxygen, which is good for many things like not feeling tired during the day and doing better at sport or other exercises.

    8. Keeps Skin and Hair Healthy

    It is well known that hot water dries out our skin and hair. On the other hand, cold water can make our hair look shinier and our skin look healthier by tightening cuticles and pores, preventing them from getting clogged, thus reducing blemishes like acne. Cold water also contributes to detoxification which results in the squeezing of toxins and waste products out of the skin. This detoxification has a good effect on the skin which appears more clean and young. Additionally, the cold water closes the cuticle which makes the hair stronger and prevents dirt from easily accumulating within our scalp. Stronger hair, of course, prevents hair from easily falling out and it helps in slowing down overall hair loss.

    9. Increases Energy and Wellbeing

    There are plenty of mental benefits to ending your shower with cold water. The ancient samurai warriors used to pour buckets of cold river water on their heads every morning in a Shinto practice called Misogi. This was a purification ritual on a spiritual level. They believe that it cleansed their spirit and helped start a fresh new day. A cold shower can definitely leave one feeling invigorated and energized. The heart starts pumping, and the rush of blood through the body helps shake off the lethargy of the previous night’s sleep. Additionally, while there are not many studies to confirm, many people swear that cold showers are a definite stress reducer.

    10. Increases Hormone Production

    Cold water showers have the ability to increase hormone production and activity by giving the body’s glands a boost. For example, cold showers can be of great benefit to the reproductive system when trying to conceive a child. A man’s testes are not meant to get too hot; that’s why they hang outside of a man’s body. Sperm counts decrease when the temperature of a man’s testes increases. In fact, experiments done in the 1950s showed that hot baths were an effective contraceptive. Men who took a 30 minute hot bath every other day for 3 weeks were infertile for the next six months. More recently, the University of California at San Francisco did a study with men who were exposed to 30 minutes of “wet heat” (hot baths, saunas and such) a week. When the men cut this exposure out, their sperm count went up by 491%, and their sperm’s motility improved as well. While switching from a hot to cold shower may not have as dramatic an effect, if you’re trying to reproduce, it surely won’t hurt. Furthermore, it has been said that cold water therapy helps regulate the endocrine system (including the adrenals and thyroid).

    How to Start

    Gradually adjusting from hot to cold showers is recommended. For many, a drastic change in temperature would be too much a stress to their body. Push yourself to step outside your comfort zone, while at the same time listen to what your body can handle. A great way to implement cold showers into your daily routine is by turning the water to cold for the last 30 seconds to a minute of your shower. Give it a try and see what benefits you experience. Who knows, maybe the secret to the fountain of youth is hidden within cold shower.

     

    Well…I am still not sure that I will enjoy a cold shower more than a hot one but after all those facts then maybe it is worth a try???

    Would you try it? If you do, let me know if it helps at all.

     

    -Shipwrecked November