But I Love you….

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Have you even heard a word I have said?

You are worthless, why do you even exist?

Why are you crying?

Awe, did I hurt your stupid feelings?

Why don’t you run along and slit your wrist?

Stop crying, do you want me to give you something to really cry about?

I’m sorry

Please don’t leave

I didn’t mean what I said

I promise I won’t do it again

I would never actually hurt you

But,

I love you….

 

(The best is yet to come)

~Shipwrecked November

Justin Hartley to Tom Welling and more….

tv-shows-collage-2I don’t know about the rest of you but for me Justin Hartley and Tom Welling were my ideals around my preteen years. For many reasons their charters they played on Smallville were charming, smart, strong, willing to do anything for the ones they loved, plus wouldn’t being a superhero just be awesome!

Being a girl, not just any girl: an over weight unattractive one, growing up was extremely hard for me. I got made fun of and tormented daily and I still do to this day. I would tell myself one day maybe I would be someone that my ideals would actually want to be seen in public with me. (Not that I was ever going to meet them, it was something to keep me going through out the day.)

Then I found shows like Batman, Charmed, Gilmore Girls, Supernatural, Haven, Flash, Arrow and so many more, not only shows but so many lovely books too. The life of these characters become some what of a safe haven for me, these beautiful people with these beautiful stories. I would have given anything to trade places with those characters because I dislike who I am that much.

I was recently reminded this week that I have never had a boy friend, that I am too fat to be seen in public with, that no one wants me in their life. It hit me really hard because I am 27 and all of what they are saying is true. I am fat because I have a condition making it extremely hard to lose weight, almost impossible. (I don’t know why I feel the need to defend my self on that.)

So then I found this show called This is us and at first I didn’t know what to think of it. Some of it hurt my feelings, other parts made me happy and then I came to this realization that I am basically living the life of Kate on the show. I have a skinny family, my brothers all being attractive and living these amazing lives and I have been stuck in the shadows for years. Yes, the reason for Kate being over weight and I being over weight are different stories but the feelings are all the same. I just want some one to look past the out side and see what I really have to offer which may not seem like a whole lot but with the life I have lived, the one thing I know about my self is I have so much love to give and I will spend the rest of my life showing my family, friends and anyone else the comes along that they are worth love and kindness. The love and kindness that was never shown to me.

I haven’t had the easiest life between abuse, to giving up everything to help my family, to my mother dying in my arms, ptsd, and living with everything that has come my way being over weight is diffidently the worst thing to ever happen to me. I will just have to continue to live in side these beautiful stories of beautiful people that would never give me the time of day. Maybe one day I will be a part of a beautiful story but for now I will be standing in the shadows.

The Best Is Yet To Come

~Shipwrecked November

 

 

 

Vacation and Goodbyes

I am so glad that I have had the opportunity to spend the summer with my family. I still have two weeks left of traveling but it saddens me that in a week I say goodbye to my brother and head to see my other brother and grandfather.  See, when I leave it is not like I can come back and see him again at least not for a year. He is a Marine and is deploying (again). These goodbyes scare me! The unknown of what he will go through is terrifies me to no end. A year of worries and hope that he will return. He is my best friend, and I love him with all of my heart!!! I am so proud that he is willing to give up his life to protect the our country! I know I couldn’t do it, I am honored to say he is my brother! Nothing is thicker than blood! Where ever you may be lil/big brother we are family and I will be waiting for you to return! I love you always and forever!!!

As always I am Shipwrecked November and the best is yet to come!

-Shipwrecked November

A Moment Too Late

Have you ever been walking down the street or riding the bus and you run in to a perfect stranger? And in that moment this person seems like the most beautiful person in the world and in an instant you would change your path of life for that person. Would you become everything they wanted? Could you stop this lonely path you are on and let this unknown person in to your life? No, of course not! How stupid would you have to be to just chase after a stranger?

But laying here tonight I wish I could turn back time and have the guts to have a longer conversation. To make an impression. To have some guts. I will never have that chance again. Even though I know your name, It doesn’t matter you are gone. I want to chase you! I want you to want me! In a moment you have changed my entire life, I will be looking for you. I will always be searching.  It only took a second to realize that I made a mistake by saying good bye.

It is amazing how one person that you don’t even know can have such a hold. Hi, I am the girl you have been looking for your entire life but I was to scared. I am not attractive so why would you remember our encounter, I am to big to be notice by such a beautiful man. Thank you for smiling and pretending that I didn’t gross you out.

Thank you for that moment! Thank you for a second of feeling special! Now only if you could find the foot in my mouth and take it out. If I could go back and change time, I say I would do what I have always been scared to do. But truth is you will always pass me by cause I have no confidence and you are a prefect stranger.

A Moment Too Late. Goodbye. Never Hello.

The best is yet to come!

-Shipwrecked November 

 

Lonely Much?…*sigh*…YES! (please read all the way through)

I have been feeling so lonely lately. Yet, I am surrounded by people. People are every where. So why am I feeling this way? I am sure there is a medical term for this feeling such as; Depression? It may surprise you that I do have that and a couple of there disorders: PTSD, Anxiety (anxiety attacks), Panic attacks, Insomnia, Asthma, PCOS. I am thinking to my self right now and Man I have a lot of crap wrong with me! No wonder I feel so alone!

It’s no secret I have some issues. I don’t hide it. I just don’t talk about it. I feel like if i go around talking and telling people they will look at me differently, but if you ask me about it I will not lie! I have been through a lot of things in a short period of time and my body went into shock and when I finally came back to reality I was left with a very unappealing list of disorders. 

When I set up at night and my mind wonders to the far spaces of the galaxy I begin to realize some parts of me are still in shock. I lost pieces of my mind, body and soul that I don’t think I will ever get back. I search for the person I once was. The past has swallowed her alive. She died three almost four years ago and the girl stuck in this body is a complete stranger. I don’t recognize you any more. I want the real me back not this impostor. I used to be happy. I used to believe in fairy tales and happy endings. I used to be this person that everyone depended on and I loved it. I loved running around and going here and there and doing this and that. Now you have to beg me to come visit. Some days it’s an emotional fight with my self to get out of bed. I am trying so hard to be who I once was, the girl my parents were proud of. The girl everyone wanted to be. The girl that would rather die than see someone else in pain.

I wish people understood me! I wish I had that person I could talk too! I wish I could rewind time and change the past and make what happened turn out differently! I wish I was living and not a zombie in my own body! I wish I could take away my family’s pain. I wish I wasn’t so alone!

It’s amazing how one moment in your life changes who you are inside. Every waking day feels like a chore. I cry when no one is around. I pretend I am okay, although it is becoming harder and harder to pretend. My veil is becoming so old it is crumbling and soon the people in my life will see how miserable I have been. I am not ready for this. I am not ready for them to know. What if they can’t handle it? What if I can’t handle it? I am scared that they will treat me differently. I am scared they will hate me. I know they want the person I was back and I don’t know where she is. I keep hoping one day I will wake up and there I will be and it would be the most happiest of days. I would never have to worry about these feelings again and then I could bury this person away for ever and keep her under lock and key and she could never escape the cold dark place she belongs.

It is so lonely in my head! My thoughts hurt! My body hurts and I am so tired! I try to convince myself to tell the world how I feel and I would be so alone If I open up and talk. I want to walk in a room and not constantly through the night tell myself, “Don’t cry! Smile! Keep Smiling! Don’t stop! An hour down only two to go!” Help I don’t want to be alone anymore! Can anyone out there hear me? I suppose not… I am Shipwrecked November and I suffer from PTSD and Clinical Depression!

Hey readers! If you feel or have ever felt this way or are/have suffered from Depression, PTSD, Anxiety or any other similar disorder PLEASE contact me if you ever need advice or someone to talk to about what is going on in your head or life at the time, I know it can be hard opening up to the people closest to you. I won’t judge you, or telling what you are feeling is wrong. I will listen and be there when you need me, even if you just want to sit in silence. I want you to feel comfortable contacting me! I will email you, facebook you or do whatever you feel the most comfortable with. 

If you are having thoughts about hurting yourself please don’t! You are important and beautiful! I have been there and the end result is never going to relieve the pain, it only makes more painful memories. Remember problems are not stop signs, They are yield signs telling you to breath, regroup and continue when you are ready. You must burn the pain and use it as fuel for your journey! 

 “As we strive to make it through difficult times, hearing the wisdom of those who have struggled, questioned and dreamed before us can make the journey easier.  When you feel the struggle is wearing you down, I’ll be here to listen”  

Fall. Seven. Times. And. Stand. Up. Eight. 

Because The Best Is Yet To Come!

-Shipwrecked November 

So many siblings…

I love my family, don’t get me wrong but some times my siblings become to much to handle. Right now my 12 year old brother is on a search for a baseball bat that I have hidden in my room. I had to stick it in my robe hanging from my bathroom door. I am annoyed by this, he just won’t go away. I have five sisters and four brothers. Being that I am the fourth oldest they all come to me for everything. The oldest ones I guess don’t understand them, so running to me became easy.

I love my siblings with all of my heart and I honestly don’t think they understand how much I truly love them. It is so unconditional it’s ridiculous. Although sometimes I just want some space!!!!!! But if I send them crazy kids away, I want them to come back cause I miss them. We have been a family for 15 years and I can’t believe it has been that long, it seems like forever some days and other days no time at all.

If you are wondering why I said 15 years, it is because we are not all from the same parents. Step-siblings is what we are. I don’t think of them as step, except the best steps of my life have been with them. The things we have been through have been on the line of heart breaking and life changing. Some how us kids have gotten through it. I can’t see my life without them in it. As much as we fight and scream and yell and torment each other I would like to believe that we do it because we love each other.

Mornings are always loud and nights are even louder. They are none stop all day long. If you watch shows like 19 and counting I would like to know how they get their kids so quite and well behaved because I swear our house is more like cheaper by the dozen. We have holes in the wall from random events, like taking sleds down a flight of stairs and hitting the wall. Not a single one of us is not off the wall goofy. I love it to be honest. No day is the same and I can never say it gets boring. With a none stop life and none stop love you can’t really go wrong. Even when I just want my space, I wouldn’t mind if all of them came pilling in to my bed, it’s moments like that I live for.

So many siblings and the best is yet to come!

-Shipwrecked November

I know we are not the same.

Hello Readers,

Well, as you can see this is my first post. I have never written a blog before and I am glad that you are sharing this journey with me. 

I know we are not the same, that is why I want to cover every topic, every thought that pops in to my head and yours. I want you to send me your thoughts, things you want to read about. Don’t be afraid to tell me, I won’t tell you that you are stupid or that it doesn’t matter. So lay it on me. What do you want to read about?

 

 

I know we are not the same. That is such a powerful sentence. It hits home with me. I have been struggling with this my entire life, always wanting to be someone else. Wishing I was the same so i wouldn’t get picked on. Wishing that I was as small at that girl over there, or comparing my self to the girls in magazines. It took me years before I could look at my self in the mirror, and some days it is still hard too. Why is it that women and men have to worry about how they feel about them selves, when there is so many other problems going on in the world? 

 

I know we are not the same. So be unique, be who you are!

Don’t let people tell you any different! You are beautiful not matter your shape, size, color, or gender. Be proud! Be free! Be you!

The best is yet to come!

-Shipwrecked November