I don’t think a large population of people realize that waking up and living is one of the hardest things that has to be done. Some would say it is easy all you have to do is wake up and go. I on the other hand wake up and try to decide if today should be my last because every part of my being wants it to be. I want to die.
I didn’t always used to be this way, which is another frequent reminder that my life has changed. Living knowing that the people I love so much remember me as someone else, someone who was happy, who had motivation, who wasn’t angry, who would light up a room. I don’t see why I can’t be both people. A happy person stuck in a sad world or am I a sad person stuck in a happy world?
I waste so much energy blaming myself for the heart ache that I have caused my family by changing that I haven’t had a chance to understand the person that I have become. I waste energy trying to live as the person I was to try to not hurt the people I love. I waste energy waking up and forcing myself not to end my life today because I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I waste energy convincing myself that the knife in my hand isn’t the answer, when my body is telling me that it is.
I wake up everyday hoping it is my last because according to people I am broken, that the tram I went through broke my brain and taking these pills can easily fix. I have learned nothing can fix something that was torn into pieces. I have also learned that the way I feel is just a cry for “attention” and maybe there really is nothing wrong with me. I waste energy keeping my mouth shut because every time I express a feeling “it must just be another PTSD episode”. No, not every hurt feeling, angry thought, bad day is an episode. But holding in so much pain because the people around you can’t stand to hear you speak causes the emotions to transform, sadness becomes anger, anger becomes rage and eventually you have to let go. Your brain is telling you to let go of all of it and you are being told to hold it all in. I wish with all of my being I could be who I was.
I have been pretending for so long I just want the pain to stop. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I just want to die. Please Don’t Make Me Wake Up Tomorrow….
Sometimes The Best is yet to come…