Please don’t make me wake up tomorrow….

I don’t think a large population of people realize that waking up and living is one of the hardest things that has to be done. Some would say it is easy all you have to do is wake up and go. I on the other hand wake up and try to decide if today should be my last because every part of my being wants it to be. I want to die.

I didn’t always used to be this way, which is another frequent reminder that my life has changed. Living knowing that the people I love so much remember me as someone else, someone who was happy, who had motivation, who wasn’t angry, who would light up a room. I don’t see why I can’t be both people. A happy person stuck in a sad world or am I a sad person stuck in a happy world?

I waste so much energy blaming myself for the heart ache that I have caused my family by changing that I haven’t had a chance to understand the person that I have become. I waste energy trying to live as the person I was to try to not hurt the people I love. I waste energy waking up and forcing myself not to end my life today because I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I waste energy convincing myself that the knife in my hand isn’t the answer, when my body is telling me that it is.

I wake up everyday hoping it is my last because according to people I am broken, that the tram I went through broke my brain and taking these pills can easily fix. I have learned nothing can fix something that was torn into pieces. I have also learned that the way I feel is just a cry for “attention” and maybe there really is nothing wrong with me. I waste energy keeping my mouth shut because every time I express a feeling “it must just be another PTSD episode”. No, not every hurt feeling, angry thought, bad day is an episode. But holding in so much pain because the people around you can’t stand to hear you speak causes the emotions to transform, sadness becomes anger, anger becomes rage and eventually you have to let go. Your brain is telling you to let go of all of it and you are being told to hold it all in. I wish with all of my being I could be who I was.

I have been pretending for so long I just want the pain to stop. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I just want to die. Please Don’t Make Me Wake Up Tomorrow….

Sometimes The Best is yet to come…

 

-Shipwrecked November

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I hate…

I hate how I am completely invisible to the people around me. Just now I am sitting in the living room studying for classes books spread everywhere and someone comes in and turns the light off on me.
I hate how when I try to save people money and get mad for me not letting them and a couple minutes later I am told I cost to much money and don’t deserve anything.
I hate how I am told I don’t work hard when all I do is take care of people.
I hate the fact what I want doesn’t matter.
I hate that my mental health issues are made up to you even though a doctor treats me for it.
I hate how I don’t matter.
I hate that you make me feel stupid for having an opinion.
I hate how I am ALWAYS wrong.
I hate when I have to spend my day doing exactly what you want even though you know I have more important things going on.
I hate that I care about all of this as much as I do.
I hate how I feel obligated to ask how you are and if you need anything but you have never asked me.
I hate being used, abused and walked all over.
I hate that I always feel like I am walking on eggshells in a place I should feel at home.
I hate how I don’t live up to expectations and I am considered the “family” failure.
I hate that I feel bad for my feelings.
I hate how completely alone in this world i feel.
Most of all I hate that i have mental health issues and feeling like a bad person for it.

Hey Readers,
This week has been an emotional roller coaster and this post isn’t directed towards one person but having a mental health issue (depression, ptsd, anxiety, panic attacks) I find I am always being treated differently and getting things like this off my chest without upsetting the people I live with is extremely hard because they say I am mean for having feelings. So if you are reading this please keep in mind this is my emotional escape for a harsh reality that I live. If you are in the same situation or advice please feel free to contact me. This week is almost over and i hope everyone out there will finally get some breathing room. So…Hopefully tomorrow…The Best Is Yet To Come. #AlwaysKeepFighting
-Shipwrecked November