This is the worst….

I don’t know how many times I find my self saying, “This is the worst; day, week, month, year of my life. Right now could not get any worse.” You want to know something? I am always wrong. Today, I realized that one of the people I care most about in the world doesn’t even care about me anymore, they have found someone to replace me. I have superglue on my fingers that I can’t get off. I choked on a lady bug that some how got in my inhaler. I got woken up by my brother because I was crying in my sleep again. I work overnight shifts, so I never really have any genuine human connection with my family. I threw a tantrum to see if anyone noticed and no one did. Then a gift that was given to me is being taken away because the person that got it for me wants to take it back and get something better…for them selves… This is just one day. One day of my small insignificant existents. Every day is worse than the next, until it’s not and then life is good, until it’s not, and over and over and over.  Then you cry until you are so numb inside that the pain fades to nothingness and you are a shell of the person people tell you, you once were.

I value the love I have for the people in my life, I just don’t value my life enough anymore to care what happens to it. One day I may save my self but for now the best is yet to come…

~Shipwrecked November

Justin Hartley to Tom Welling and more….

tv-shows-collage-2I don’t know about the rest of you but for me Justin Hartley and Tom Welling were my ideals around my preteen years. For many reasons their charters they played on Smallville were charming, smart, strong, willing to do anything for the ones they loved, plus wouldn’t being a superhero just be awesome!

Being a girl, not just any girl: an over weight unattractive one, growing up was extremely hard for me. I got made fun of and tormented daily and I still do to this day. I would tell myself one day maybe I would be someone that my ideals would actually want to be seen in public with me. (Not that I was ever going to meet them, it was something to keep me going through out the day.)

Then I found shows like Batman, Charmed, Gilmore Girls, Supernatural, Haven, Flash, Arrow and so many more, not only shows but so many lovely books too. The life of these characters become some what of a safe haven for me, these beautiful people with these beautiful stories. I would have given anything to trade places with those characters because I dislike who I am that much.

I was recently reminded this week that I have never had a boy friend, that I am too fat to be seen in public with, that no one wants me in their life. It hit me really hard because I am 27 and all of what they are saying is true. I am fat because I have a condition making it extremely hard to lose weight, almost impossible. (I don’t know why I feel the need to defend my self on that.)

So then I found this show called This is us and at first I didn’t know what to think of it. Some of it hurt my feelings, other parts made me happy and then I came to this realization that I am basically living the life of Kate on the show. I have a skinny family, my brothers all being attractive and living these amazing lives and I have been stuck in the shadows for years. Yes, the reason for Kate being over weight and I being over weight are different stories but the feelings are all the same. I just want some one to look past the out side and see what I really have to offer which may not seem like a whole lot but with the life I have lived, the one thing I know about my self is I have so much love to give and I will spend the rest of my life showing my family, friends and anyone else the comes along that they are worth love and kindness. The love and kindness that was never shown to me.

I haven’t had the easiest life between abuse, to giving up everything to help my family, to my mother dying in my arms, ptsd, and living with everything that has come my way being over weight is diffidently the worst thing to ever happen to me. I will just have to continue to live in side these beautiful stories of beautiful people that would never give me the time of day. Maybe one day I will be a part of a beautiful story but for now I will be standing in the shadows.

The Best Is Yet To Come

~Shipwrecked November

 

 

 

Please don’t make me wake up tomorrow….

I don’t think a large population of people realize that waking up and living is one of the hardest things that has to be done. Some would say it is easy all you have to do is wake up and go. I on the other hand wake up and try to decide if today should be my last because every part of my being wants it to be. I want to die.

I didn’t always used to be this way, which is another frequent reminder that my life has changed. Living knowing that the people I love so much remember me as someone else, someone who was happy, who had motivation, who wasn’t angry, who would light up a room. I don’t see why I can’t be both people. A happy person stuck in a sad world or am I a sad person stuck in a happy world?

I waste so much energy blaming myself for the heart ache that I have caused my family by changing that I haven’t had a chance to understand the person that I have become. I waste energy trying to live as the person I was to try to not hurt the people I love. I waste energy waking up and forcing myself not to end my life today because I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I waste energy convincing myself that the knife in my hand isn’t the answer, when my body is telling me that it is.

I wake up everyday hoping it is my last because according to people I am broken, that the tram I went through broke my brain and taking these pills can easily fix. I have learned nothing can fix something that was torn into pieces. I have also learned that the way I feel is just a cry for “attention” and maybe there really is nothing wrong with me. I waste energy keeping my mouth shut because every time I express a feeling “it must just be another PTSD episode”. No, not every hurt feeling, angry thought, bad day is an episode. But holding in so much pain because the people around you can’t stand to hear you speak causes the emotions to transform, sadness becomes anger, anger becomes rage and eventually you have to let go. Your brain is telling you to let go of all of it and you are being told to hold it all in. I wish with all of my being I could be who I was.

I have been pretending for so long I just want the pain to stop. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I just want to die. Please Don’t Make Me Wake Up Tomorrow….

Sometimes The Best is yet to come…

 

-Shipwrecked November

I have failed myself.

When you start believing what others say about yourself it is really hard to turn your life around. For the longest time now I have listened to people close to me tell me who I am and where I am going in my life. They said things such as; you are a failure, you are wasting your life away, you haven’t done anything to be proud of, you are getting older and have nothing to show for it, you have never been in a relationship so we gave up on you ever having kids or a life. The list goes on. I have let these hateful things sink in to the deepest parts of my mind and take hold. What they said haunted me for month after month, I became lost. I couldn’t remember who I was, WHO I AM.

I let words ruin myself esteem. I let words bring me down. I let words control my life. I gave up on writing the blog I enjoyed so much because I didn’t want to lie and end another post with “the best is yet to come.” I let these people tear away the best parts of me and all that was left of me was an empty shell. I was stuck in this never ending rerun of hateful words and thoughts, I honestly believed that I was those hateful words. But I AM NOT!

I am creative, hardworking, loving, strong, helpful, trusting and by all means I AM ME!!!!

I realize no matter what these people say about me, they are wrong. If this is truly what they believe me to be than they don’t really know who I am, and you know what, that is okay. I don’t mind if they have forgotten they real me, who I am beneath all of my failures and mistakes. I can only hope that they remember who they are and they are better then harsh words. I will not stand by any longer and be a stepping stone for them to walk all over and I will certainly not give up the best parts of me and trade them in for the worst parts of them. I will keep pushing towards the goals that I set for myself and make something out of the nothing that was handed to me. I will not fail myself again.

If anyone is out there reading this and you have been in a similar situation, I would like to give you some advice if you would be so kind to let me.

1) You are amazing

2) Even if they say your life goals are unrealistic, someone out there right now was told the same thing and doing what they love, guess what so can you. Your goals are right there reach out and take hold.

3) You won’t be able to make everyone happy no matter how hard you try, so just work on making yourself happy

4) You are beautiful in every single way, and I truly mean that

5) Don’t give up

6) Sometimes you have to turn off your ears and listen to your heart

7) You will make it, you have to keep trying

8) There will be a time you want to give up….Don’t

9) Don’t ever let anyone tell you who you are, don’t fail yourself. The world needs a beautiful mind like yours.

10) As I always say THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

Thank you for reading!!! Keep a look out for new up and coming post from me! You guys are fantastic!

-Shipwrecked November