This is the worst….

I don’t know how many times I find my self saying, “This is the worst; day, week, month, year of my life. Right now could not get any worse.” You want to know something? I am always wrong. Today, I realized that one of the people I care most about in the world doesn’t even care about me anymore, they have found someone to replace me. I have superglue on my fingers that I can’t get off. I choked on a lady bug that some how got in my inhaler. I got woken up by my brother because I was crying in my sleep again. I work overnight shifts, so I never really have any genuine human connection with my family. I threw a tantrum to see if anyone noticed and no one did. Then a gift that was given to me is being taken away because the person that got it for me wants to take it back and get something better…for them selves… This is just one day. One day of my small insignificant existents. Every day is worse than the next, until it’s not and then life is good, until it’s not, and over and over and over.  Then you cry until you are so numb inside that the pain fades to nothingness and you are a shell of the person people tell you, you once were.

I value the love I have for the people in my life, I just don’t value my life enough anymore to care what happens to it. One day I may save my self but for now the best is yet to come…

~Shipwrecked November

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But I Love you….

Hello?

Can you hear me?

Have you even heard a word I have said?

You are worthless, why do you even exist?

Why are you crying?

Awe, did I hurt your stupid feelings?

Why don’t you run along and slit your wrist?

Stop crying, do you want me to give you something to really cry about?

I’m sorry

Please don’t leave

I didn’t mean what I said

I promise I won’t do it again

I would never actually hurt you

But,

I love you….

 

(The best is yet to come)

~Shipwrecked November

Justin Hartley to Tom Welling and more….

tv-shows-collage-2I don’t know about the rest of you but for me Justin Hartley and Tom Welling were my ideals around my preteen years. For many reasons their charters they played on Smallville were charming, smart, strong, willing to do anything for the ones they loved, plus wouldn’t being a superhero just be awesome!

Being a girl, not just any girl: an over weight unattractive one, growing up was extremely hard for me. I got made fun of and tormented daily and I still do to this day. I would tell myself one day maybe I would be someone that my ideals would actually want to be seen in public with me. (Not that I was ever going to meet them, it was something to keep me going through out the day.)

Then I found shows like Batman, Charmed, Gilmore Girls, Supernatural, Haven, Flash, Arrow and so many more, not only shows but so many lovely books too. The life of these characters become some what of a safe haven for me, these beautiful people with these beautiful stories. I would have given anything to trade places with those characters because I dislike who I am that much.

I was recently reminded this week that I have never had a boy friend, that I am too fat to be seen in public with, that no one wants me in their life. It hit me really hard because I am 27 and all of what they are saying is true. I am fat because I have a condition making it extremely hard to lose weight, almost impossible. (I don’t know why I feel the need to defend my self on that.)

So then I found this show called This is us and at first I didn’t know what to think of it. Some of it hurt my feelings, other parts made me happy and then I came to this realization that I am basically living the life of Kate on the show. I have a skinny family, my brothers all being attractive and living these amazing lives and I have been stuck in the shadows for years. Yes, the reason for Kate being over weight and I being over weight are different stories but the feelings are all the same. I just want some one to look past the out side and see what I really have to offer which may not seem like a whole lot but with the life I have lived, the one thing I know about my self is I have so much love to give and I will spend the rest of my life showing my family, friends and anyone else the comes along that they are worth love and kindness. The love and kindness that was never shown to me.

I haven’t had the easiest life between abuse, to giving up everything to help my family, to my mother dying in my arms, ptsd, and living with everything that has come my way being over weight is diffidently the worst thing to ever happen to me. I will just have to continue to live in side these beautiful stories of beautiful people that would never give me the time of day. Maybe one day I will be a part of a beautiful story but for now I will be standing in the shadows.

The Best Is Yet To Come

~Shipwrecked November